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[24 May 2003|02:45pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Sons of Gondor - Sympathy for the Dark Lord |
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There comes a time in every young Vala's life when he has to question the world around him.
In this case, why are all these blonde people milling around?
What's with the green flags?
Why did they blow up my laundry chute?
Where is Goldberry, and does it have anything to do with all these post-it notes on every surface that I have not bothered to read?
Has Mouth ever been in the habit of wearing thongs?
Is it time for tea yet?
Well, that's an easy one. It's always time for tea in Mordor.
Oh, hello, Erkenbrand. I was just putting the kettle on if you'd care for a cup.
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[09 May 2003|07:07pm] |
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mood |
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writerly |
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music |
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glorfie star--um, death metal |
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*sits down to compose letter*
Dear Mouth,
Well, here I am in Mordor. As usual. How are you? I hear you're in a 'stasis tube.' Is it nice? I must confess I don't know how you got there--no offense, but those lab things never made much sense to me. I hope you are out of there, soon. I want to show you another kind of tube. Only, you know, this tube is not hollow, nor does it cause stasis, whatever that is. You probably know what I'm talking about, so I'll leave out the sleazy double single entendres. You never did get them anyway. Like when I told you I wanted to see you 'use your sword' and you ended up marching straight up to Aragorn & Co. with a few half-witted trolls and some hobbit's underwear. And we both remember how that turned out.
Today I found out that some guy in Rohan wants to go to war with us. Yeah, I know! I don't know why anyone would want Mordor besides me. I'm emotionally attached to it and everything, but it IS kind of a barren wasteland where the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. And very little real estate. And did you know we had weapons of mass destruction? Neither did I! I mean, even the orcs aren't even very good at mass-destroying anything. It only takes one greasy human with a sword to get rid of a whole platoon of them.
So, yeah. Another Age, another war. At least this time we can probably keep midgets from sneaking in and playing in the volcanoes. That was really irritating.
It might be a bad time for you to come to Mordor, but I miss you very much. Say hello to Ioreth for me. Or kill her. Either way! :)
Warm regards,
Sauron, the Dark Lord of Luuuuv
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[04 May 2003|11:21pm] |
I said I had a Plan and I meant it. Ha.
I've been thinking a lot about what advantages Ioreth could possibly have over me. She's definitely not as evil or powerful as I am. Boobs? Mouth never seemed interested in them before. Better in the sack? Not even possible. Ask Faramir. (1-888-THE-VOID)
But I figured it out, as I am (obviously) an evil mastermind.
Mouth has a deep-seated passion for playing connect-the-dots.
Well, a half hour in the bathroom with Goldberry's makeup kit AND!
I think it's a good look for me. I'm not sure what Goldberry thinks because she's playing footsie with Jeff in the den. Oh, excuse me, they're 'discussing the furnishing of the new mental hospital.' Right.
Anyway! Come to me, Mouth, my pregnant little pansy of delight. ;)
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| why do i still exist? |
[29 Apr 2003|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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horn--reflective |
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music |
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like that time in the dungeon. woo. |
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I've decided that I miss Mouth of Me.
Mouthie! Mouthie! Come home! There are no lab-coated psychos or balrog kittens here, and the burritos are free with a Mordor, Inc. company pass. And since you invented all that cute backstory for us, I'm interested in reliving it. ;) ;)
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| attn: mr. melkor sir |
[15 Mar 2003|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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rather evil |
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music |
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elia's meowing at a spider, awww |
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Evil Doing Form 1.0
Name: The Dark Lord Sauron, Gorthaur, etc
Species: Ma--er, Vala
Favourite Position: I usually sleep on my side, sir.
What evil did you do?: Historically? Covered Middle-earth in darkness, killed many innocents, torture, world domination, etc. The usual. Recently, I put a new even plan into motion. It is very evil, but top secret. Trust me, sir, all will be revealed in due time.
Who did you evil at?: I'm an equal opportunity evildoer.
---
For evil Valar use only:
Evil points:
Shaggability:
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| evil alert |
[23 Feb 2003|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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extremely evil, in fact |
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music |
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like an evil hurricane or similar |
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Dear Middle-earth,
I would like you all to know that now I am a Vala, I have a very evil plan in the works.
Um, you will all see. :) It is very, very evil.
Evilly yours,
Sauron, Dark Lord of Evil
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[01 Feb 2003|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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grumbly |
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music |
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'oh eru, please spare me! i have children!' |
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Being a Maia is not as much fun as it used to be when you consider that everybody from that elfie marchwarden thing to that original character Denethor's taken up with to Elanor F-ing Gamgee is also a Maia. Isn't there some sort of rule against this wanton Maia-ing behavior? I can't mouth of to the cashier at the grocery without fear that he's going to smite me. Well, not smite me, that would be silly, but he could smite my milk, I bet. Ew. Smote milk tastes so gross.
I mean, how am I supposed to feel superior and powerful when even that Kielle thing is one? Not to mention the helmet fetishist.
Should probably be promoted to Vala rank soon at this rate.
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[31 Jan 2003|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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impatient |
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music |
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general evilness |
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It's my birthday.
...well, where are my fucking presents?!
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| this post is not a stupid excuse so my mun can say she posted with all of her puppets this week |
[23 Jan 2003|03:35am] |
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mood |
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evil! |
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music |
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assorted cat noises |
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Um, so, it's raining out.
Elia was outside mauling a German Shepherd and got soaked. She's huddled under the bed making 'mrrrrr' noises and generally being as evil as a kitten can be (read: pretty fucking evil).
Today Goldberry and I shagged four times. I do not think the term "the honeymoon's over" refers to us.
This concludes this utterly irrelevant post. Please to put a penny in the dark lord's hat.
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[12 Jan 2003|12:34am] |
I can do that too! Um.
zee dark lord: yo yo yo.
ringwraith killer: Whaaaaat?
zee dark lord: um, you know that thing where john makes his puppets IM each other?
ringwraith killer: Yeah.
zee dark lord: well, uh, he's really cool, so
ringwraith killer: You're a nitwit.
zee dark lord: ho.
ringwraith killer: So what did you want to talk about?
zee dark lord: um
zee dark lord: you still in the void?
ringwraith killer: Part time. Denethor's kind of dragged me back to give him kinging lessons.
zee dark lord: oh? he used to work for me, you know
ringwraith killer: Yes, I know. Having the same mun means we have some sort of collective knowledge.
zee dark lord: oh shut up
zee dark lord: at least you're not talking to el rond
ringwraith killer: Ahahaha. Useless git.
zee dark lord: too right.
ringwraith killer: What are you up to these days?
zee dark lord: fat lot of nothing. zlot keeps me idle unless someone needs being evil at.
ringwraith killer: Awww. And to think of all the pain you could inflicting upon the innocent.
zee dark lord: i know! but presumably goldberry and i are enjoying a blissful marriage
zee dark lord: it's just they're too lazy to write about it
ringwraith killer: But you're not in the void yet. Count your blessings, Saurie.
zee dark lord: don't call me that
zee dark lord: faramir and chomsky all right?
ringwraith killer: Fine as pie. They love the void. I just have an easily bored mun.
zee dark lord: you and me both sugar
zee dark lord: well, i have some torturing to attend to
zee dark lord: give my best to the wife and kid
ringwraith killer: Don't kill too many Mormons at once. If a few don't live, the supply will run clean out.
zee dark lord: i'll keep that in mind
zee dark lord: ta, love
ringwraith killer: Byeee.
zee dark lord signed off at 12:29:41 AM.
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| hahaha fatima is a fucker |
[06 Nov 2002|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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not as evil as i should be |
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music |
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hi? |
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If, uh, Brian Sibley or Andy Serkis ever see this... I am so sorry.
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[31 Oct 2002|11:38pm] |
Halloween is a retarded holiday, but every so often Goldberry decides she wants to do silly mortal things and drags me along with her. I hope she realizes that promising post-trick-or-treating sex will not always work.
This is my costume.
Oh, the irony. Har har har.
Ellie is wearing little alien deelybopper things. Awww.
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[29 Oct 2002|11:53pm] |
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mood |
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married |
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music |
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wow |
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Thank you all for attending my wedding and leaving such a crazy amount of comments that Zlot will not be able to go near her inbox for weeks without it exploding and burning her hand off. Seriously, thank you. The ho deserves it.
Also, congratulations to Gimli son of Gloin for catching the bouquet. I don't know who the lucky she-gnome is, but I'm sure they'll be as happy as ugly little bearded things can be.
And now, I am going to sing a SONG. If you laugh, I will kill you or something. Grr.
Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
Oh, you're my best friend
Oh I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me, girl
I'm happy at home
You're my best friend
Oooh you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Oooh you make me live now honey
Oooh you make me live
You're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend
Anyway, this never happened.
Especial props to Frotima and Carawise for breaking their code of silence and putting in an appearance at The Shindig.
I hope the honeymoon gets going soon. Elanor gave us a very nice gift and I'm anxious to try it out. If you follow me.
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| behold my new icon, fucker |
[29 Oct 2002|08:06pm] |
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mood |
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pre-wedding jitters |
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music |
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Sons of Gondor - Sympathy for the Dark Lord |
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Okay, the Dark Lord/Water Thing nuptials should occur tonight, should nothing weird happen to the muns. We're waiting a bit to see if certain people will get online, but if they don't in a reasonable amount of time, we'll get started.
In honour of the momentous occasion, here is a post from the early days of our relationship.
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I need something to keep me busy, besides teasing Nazgul, playing with fire (a fascinating activity for a nonflammable being in a tower of stone) and banging Gorth.
I brought this up a few days ago while were discussing existentialism and its impact on the breakfast cereal industry. Sauron chewed his corn flakes thoughtfully before suggesting, "You could be my kept woman."
I shook my head. "Too late for that. You're already pretty whipped."
Elia jumped onto the table and started lapping milk from his bowl. "Ah. Good point." After which we had a post-corn flakes shag and I finished his crossword puzzle.
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[27 Oct 2002|05:45pm] |
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Yo. Goldberry. We getting married tonight?
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| this is why my mun should not play truth or dare, ok |
[25 Oct 2002|10:12pm] |
...
*dons pink muumuu*
Oh Eru. Okay.
*frolics around Mount Doom*
OLD TOM BOMBADIL IS A MERRY FELLOW
BRIGHT BLUE HIS JACKET IS AND HIS BOOTS ARE YELLOW
TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA >_<
WHEEEE X(
...am I done?
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[19 Oct 2002|12:27am] |
As you probably gathered from all the squealing the other night, Goldberry and I are getting married. Who would have thought, back when I was avoiding the insane lust of Faramir and she was dating the dead guy, that we of all people would ever get hitched? Who would have thought that a relationship built on an odd compulsion to have sex a lot despite my being responsible for her death would work so well? In any case, I'm pretty confident that I'll at least be preferable compared to her last husband.
We're hoping to get the whole thing over and done with next weekend, and you're all invited, of course. Salmar's officiating. Free booze, etc.
Also, and this is important:
No one, and I repeat no one, is going to get pregnant.
Um, and Goldberry?
i love you
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| I AM THE DARK LORD |
[04 Oct 2002|12:14am] |
I am, you know.
Well, in case you hadn't noticed, I have not posted in, like, a bit.
Aule fired me. I was not even under the impression that I was working for him, dude. It's not like he's asked me to do anything in ages and we've sort of been on different continents and plus I've gone evil which doesn't sit very well with Mr. Fluffy Bunnies, but apparently I was firing material. Uh. Well. So, the question became, "Do I have Maia powers if I've been fired?"
The answer, if you're me, is yes. If Elanor Fucking Gamgee can be a Maia, I'm a Maia. I mean, it's sort of my nature, yeah? It's not like I suddenly become a ferret if I'm fired. Or worse, a hobbit.
However, Vana, the second-banana earth goddess, has offered me a position in her lucrative flower-growing firm of Vala-ness. Or something. And, assuming the benefits and pension plan are all in order, I think I'll probably accept. Soon, I shall grow The One Flower, which will cover all the lands in darkness/petals. Muahahahaha!!
Speaking of evil matters, Saruman's back and pretending he's all badass again. I was sort of tempted to go see him and make him do all that amusing cowering he did back in the day, but Ellie was doing this really cute thing where she lays on her back and gets all wrapped up in a ball of yarn...and in short, I was preoccupied.
Well, anyway, that's been my life since the last post. Oh wait, I'm now selling real estate in scenic Mordor. You know, Mordor is very maligned, as countries go. Not everything here is a barren wasteland where the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Plus, great views of the newly-relit Mount Doom. So far the only people to bite are Celeborn, Glorfindel, and their army of small monsters/children, but I foresee a whole new industry booming here. Mordor: it's the future.
Anyway, on a completely different matter... Goldberry, uh... I need to talk to you. To ask you...something.
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